I’m here and I thougth I wanted to write, but as I sit here, nothing is coming to mind.  Well o.k. many things are coming to mind, I just don’t know if I want to blog them.  My life is a revolving door of change.  Sometimes that door gets spinning so fast that it’s a blur of what looks like an opening that is spitting life out at the speed of light.  And then other times I get stuck and have to wait for the revolving door operator specialist to come and get me out, but first I have to admit I’m stuck and then I have to swallow my pride and then call the operator specialist (also known as Heavenly Father).  I’ve been known to stay stuck for long periods of time.  Overall I’m on the right path, I’m going the right way, I’ve got the right intentions.  But behind me attached by a bungee cord, ready to spring me back to the revolving door to be stuck, are things I’m trying to out run, which can’t be out run.  They have to be dealt with cord untangled and removed and then left to go wherever such things go.  But what is the right way to deal with such things.  I just can’t figure that one out.  Of course there is an easy solution, but it is full of heartache and pain for others, so I’m trying to avoid that one.  There is forgiveness which can be given, but then will need to be regiven and given again and again until death ends the cycle.  Which is just tiring and painful.  Because each time forgiveness is given hope is seeded and each time hope is dashed to pieces, I have to pick it up again.  And I really don’t like housekeeping all that much.  And then there is avoidance, which only partially works and is the status quo for now.  But I’m getting sore from straddling that fence.  And then the guilt, the ever present guilt.  I have thoughts that are wrong and evil, but none the less true.  It would be easier if death would come and take the other party away.  If maybe there life span could just be a bit shorter than the current norm.  And how evil are those thoughts, I feel such guilt every time they enter my brain.  But enter they do, I can’t get them to go away.  Now I must clarify, I don’t want to kill them or cause any harm, but they are older and honestly there health isn’t so great, so it’s not entirely out of the picture that death could be near or at least in the next few years.  And by the removal of death, all the strain and struggle would be gone.  The rest of us could go on without all the strain and pain.  I could easily have a relationship with those I love so dearly without having to try and keep an impossible balance.  From my perspective the only option is to continue to keep controls in place and deal with each situation as it comes up, at least the holidays are over for a while.  This was all so much easier when I didn’t have a son to protect.  I am so paranoid about him being subject to anything that even might resemble the verbal abuse I endured that I’ve taken it a bit too far.  But so much better to take it a bit too far than to have even the smallest micron enter his existence.  I’m being so cryptic, because I don’t want to see it all in black and white for anyone to read.  For all to see and know the reall truth.  But I can’t hold it in either, so stuck I am, darn door.  And if I open up and see it all for what it is the intense anger and the evil question without an answer (Why?!) return to haunt me and keep me down.  And I don’t want to be down anymore, I want to rise above, maybe with enough strain on that bungee it will snap.  It’s so old now and cracked and full of wear, it has to snap, doesn’t it?  Or are bonds built in childhood so strong that nothing breaks them, whether they are good or bad?  My struggle for resolution continues and will until they are gone.  Because they have no desire to resolve anything, or to face that anything needs resolved.  And I know in my heart that if and/or when the time comes I will do what is necessary, whatever that is.  Because I love my son too much to be weak here, to give in.  Even thought I know that severing all ties would be such a relief and give me the peace I so dearly want, I cannot, because it would cause them so much pain.  But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking…give me a reason, push me, let me let you go.  Make it so I have to cut you out.  But of course that doesn’t happen.