Being a mom is a huge roller coaster.  One moment you are in awe of your baby and the next you wish someone would come and save you from this demon child.  I was already so very attached to Gavin that I didn’t think finalizing his adoption and then being sealed to him and having the blessing would affect me so much.  But it has.  I love him deeper and more from that moment on.  Maybe that’s just how it works, you have moments where your love deepens for your child.  I also didn’t realize that I was still holding onto some anxiety about losing him, I suppose that’s a very normal thing for adoptions.  Even though I knew that the only way to lose him would be if the state came to take him away because we weren’t fit parents and I knew that wouldn’t happen.  But then I always had this small voice in the back of my mind telling me that they might because they could or some clerical error could send DCFS to my door to remove him.  I suppose every mother has her worries, and adoption doesn’t change that, it just has a few specific worries to add into the equation.  But he’s ours, forever and ever.  I could be imagining things, but it seems to have changed Gavin too.  It’s almost as if he understood on some level what was happening when we were sealed to him.  Maybe even on deeper levels then we are capable with our jaded years of life.  When he’s in a new environment he does get quite and check it out, but this was different.  He was, well, reverent.  Their are not words to describe the sealing, it was healing and beautiful and full of wise counsel.  And Gavin’s blessing was wonderful.  Everyone really enjoyed doing it on Saturday instead of on Sunday during church and his blessing was special and unique to him.  It also confirmed a feeling I got a while ago that Gavin has a special and specific and important purpose in this life.  The Lord has a plan for him and it will be done, it’s a bit overwhelming.  I’m sure that I’m suppose to provide him with all that is available to him specifically spiritually, and while if I fail his life will carry on, I sense that it will be a great disappointment to Gavin and Heavenly Father.  And I’m starting to get a glimpse of the bigger picture, that maybe all the stuff in my life has been to cultivate into this one part of my life to be able to be there for Gavin.  To help him and nurture him and give him what he needs, specifically.  I keep getting the sense that I have had the lessons I have in life so that I can help him.  That he is going to need me to help him through some hard things, not avoid them, but help him get through it.  I don’t fear so much for what hardships await me anymore, but I’m starting to fear for Gavin.  I’m sure some of this is normal motherhood stuff, but then there is that "other" feeling, that a bigger picture is in place and in play.  One that has brought us together specifically and for a purpose only Heavenly Father knows.  I know that he was brought to me, not randomly, not by accident, but purposefully.  That his path was put into place so he would be in my life.  I sense how very special and important he is and that is awe inspiring and overwhelming.  And then I have moments, like all parents do, and I wonder how can I glimpse his amazing spirit and then get mad at him for crying all night?  I suppose this is the natural man part, the part that is hard to control and our purpose in this life, to prove we can overcome the natural man.  He is so precious and wonderful to me.  And I love him more than I ever knew was possible.