Being a mom is a huge roller coaster. One moment you are in awe of your baby and the next you wish someone would come and save you from this demon child. I was already so very attached to Gavin that I didn’t think finalizing his adoption and then being sealed to him and having the blessing would affect me so much. But it has. I love him deeper and more from that moment on. Maybe that’s just how it works, you have moments where your love deepens for your child. I also didn’t realize that I was still holding onto some anxiety about losing him, I suppose that’s a very normal thing for adoptions. Even though I knew that the only way to lose him would be if the state came to take him away because we weren’t fit parents and I knew that wouldn’t happen. But then I always had this small voice in the back of my mind telling me that they might because they could or some clerical error could send DCFS to my door to remove him. I suppose every mother has her worries, and adoption doesn’t change that, it just has a few specific worries to add into the equation. But he’s ours, forever and ever. I could be imagining things, but it seems to have changed Gavin too. It’s almost as if he understood on some level what was happening when we were sealed to him. Maybe even on deeper levels then we are capable with our jaded years of life. When he’s in a new environment he does get quite and check it out, but this was different. He was, well, reverent. Their are not words to describe the sealing, it was healing and beautiful and full of wise counsel. And Gavin’s blessing was wonderful. Everyone really enjoyed doing it on Saturday instead of on Sunday during church and his blessing was special and unique to him. It also confirmed a feeling I got a while ago that Gavin has a special and specific and important purpose in this life. The Lord has a plan for him and it will be done, it’s a bit overwhelming. I’m sure that I’m suppose to provide him with all that is available to him specifically spiritually, and while if I fail his life will carry on, I sense that it will be a great disappointment to Gavin and Heavenly Father. And I’m starting to get a glimpse of the bigger picture, that maybe all the stuff in my life has been to cultivate into this one part of my life to be able to be there for Gavin. To help him and nurture him and give him what he needs, specifically. I keep getting the sense that I have had the lessons I have in life so that I can help him. That he is going to need me to help him through some hard things, not avoid them, but help him get through it. I don’t fear so much for what hardships await me anymore, but I’m starting to fear for Gavin. I’m sure some of this is normal motherhood stuff, but then there is that "other" feeling, that a bigger picture is in place and in play. One that has brought us together specifically and for a purpose only Heavenly Father knows. I know that he was brought to me, not randomly, not by accident, but purposefully. That his path was put into place so he would be in my life. I sense how very special and important he is and that is awe inspiring and overwhelming. And then I have moments, like all parents do, and I wonder how can I glimpse his amazing spirit and then get mad at him for crying all night? I suppose this is the natural man part, the part that is hard to control and our purpose in this life, to prove we can overcome the natural man. He is so precious and wonderful to me. And I love him more than I ever knew was possible.
The world has to stop because MY BABY’S SICK and he needs me. And I feel horrible for him and am stressed as any mother of a sick child can tell you, but I am also so full of love and happiness…because my baby needs me and wants me. No one else will do, it has to be me, mom, mommy, mama. He is a very healthy child and this is the first time he’s really been sick, so this is my first experience with the where’s my mommy, have to be held and touch her, and her only, no one else will do syndrome. And it warms my heart, I have the power within my arms and with my kiss and soft sung song to heal him, to make him feel safe and secure, to make the suffering less. Behold the power of a mom! I’m experiencing these things for the first time in my life, not only because I’m a first time mom, but because my childhood lacked, well let’s just say it’s a first, for both of us. And I am in awe of the power of a loving mother, what it does for both of us is so amazing. I will always be there baby, I will always love you, I will always be ready to hold and comfort you and kiss it all better.
Weird title I know, but if you’ve ever seen the commercial, it’s a giggle. And that’s how I feel like a giggle. It’s been a good day so far. Partly because I’ve been scrubbing my house and parts of it, whole parts, are so clean you could lick them. Go ahead, nothing will happen, it’s just that clean. And then today I found a good doctor, something I haven’t run across much, he’s awesome. He listened and helped and had a great bedside manner, haven’t seen one of those in a doctor in recent memory. He’s one of those people who leaves you smiling, his nurses were cracking up in the hall outside of the exam room I was in, he exudes happiness and excitement. Just for being alive. I prayed that I could find a doctor that would work well for me and help me accomplish my goals, and I found one. Thanks Heavenly Father! And I’m finding happiness, that real happiness that dwells in the silly zone in my heart, the glass is over flowing happiness, did you hear the one about… happiness, me! The can’t control the goofyness happiness, can get stuff done. Which by the way is my job title…I get stuff done. Heard it on T.V. or a movie or something and I decided that’s my job title, description, manual. So I’m off to get stuff done.
Heavenly Father may know a thing or two and maybe that all powerfull thing is what it’s cracked up to be. To say the least I’ve had a very stressfull past few months, even year. And I’m making many changes, good ones, that are suppose to pay off and make the future all bright and shiny. But in the meantime of making these changes it has been hard, really, really hard. Somehow I’ve lost myself, and I’m finding her again. And while I do what I can, the pitifull amount that I can, I pray and I ask and I beg. And I get, freely, and more than I was expecting. Nothing world changing, except in my world. I can cope, I can deal, I can feel the silly, goofy, lovable person I am and not the weirdo, depressed person I’ve become. I can see the hope in the near future, that maybe I will be able to do all that must be done and it will be good. That in the meantime of waiting for results of all the work I’m doing, He will make up the difference, until I can go it on my own. Well maybe not on my own, but definately with much less crippling need. And somehow I can make it back to where I’m going, so that no more time will be wasted and regretted. And so that my precious little one can have everything I’ve ever dreamed for him. And maybe a dream or two of my own can happen and be appreciated. God IS Good.
