So many things are going through my mind as of late. So many things are changing and going on as of late as well.  Being a mom has been the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced, and that’s saying something.  I want to give Gavin everything, I want him to grow to be so happy and secure and filled with love and doing that is much harder than I could have ever imagined.  I never realized how much his crys would rip at my heart.  How much his smile would change my world and everything in it.  How much him recognizing me as his mother has meant to me.  And that with only one child the emptyness inside me would be so fully fullfilled.  That hole was so large and so empty for so many years and in one second he filled it fully and completely.  Only I and God know exactly what I am talking about and it is a miracle.  I’m beginning to feel the torn feelings of being a wife and mother to my boys.  I wonder if I can keep up giving what is required.  I have small tinges of resentment towards my husband when he wants or needs something of me.  It’s not his fault I know and I can understand everything so very well on a rational mental level.  But emotionally I can’t help but get a bit frustrated that I am doing so much more of the work and then he still has needs that only I can fullfill.  I know that I stress way too much about the small stuff and that one of my biggest downfalls is that I try to do it all, but oh how I wish he would help me do it all instead of insisting on not doing anything when I’m in the thick of it.  I feel a bit like I’m losing myself and while I’m glad to do it, it’s hard to see it happening.  And to know that I’m not nearly as bad as most women I know, I just can’t imagine how they go on.  I couldn’t stand to lose myself completely, to not have some shred of myself always there.  I would never give over completely.  I’m a mess, but it’s my mess.  To go through all this and then have my immediate family acting like a bunch of children has been really hard.  And I’m throwing in the towel.  I give up, my parents will never change, they insist on living their lives in this horrible way and there is nothing I can do about it.  And so eventually we will become estranged, unless by some miracle they die early.  How sad is that, that I hope my parents die before our relationship deteriates to the point that we no longer see or talk to each other.  It’s all I’m left with.  You really can’t change anyone, unless they are willing.  And they are most definately not willing.  But I will not sacrifice my family in order to have such a toxic relationship with them.  They either follow my rules or we no longer have a relationship.  I have a duty to my son and husband to protect them and make their environment as healthy and loving as possible.  And unfortunately that cannot be with my parents.  They turn any situation into a toxic mess.  I’ve worked too hard to overcome my learned tendencies from them, I’ve made too much progress to let them ruin everything and my dreams for my son.  It’s harsh but they won’t listen.  Well they’ll listen and then they do nothing, as usual.  I couldn’t have been more plain, it was such a brutal honesty and nothing.  They are still the same if not getting worse.  How frustrating it must be to be Heavenly Father.  To see his children do this kind of thing over and over again.  And I’m sad to say that I am one of those children.  I need to improve on so many levels.  And I’m so scared to let spirituality back into my life.  I’ve taken a beating and I’m just so bruised to trust myself anymore.  I’ve misunderstood and misinterpruted so much over the last few years that I just don’t know what to think anymore. I’m on the edge and I know it.  And I need to get back in the saddle and get a move on.  But I’m finding myself procrastinating day after day, month after month.  The spirit scares me, plain and simple.  I’m afraid of what that door leads to.  I’m afraid of feeling abandoned again. But for the sake of my precious and wonderful son I must go on.  I must face my deepest fears and become close to my Lord once again.  And support my family in doing the same.