So I’m just unsure right at the moment. I’m exhausted and should be fast asleep but the days horrors are still too fresh in my mind. I was watching my niece and nephew today and it was most challenging. It’s the first time I’ve had to protect Gavin from other children, and well it just sucked. I love these kids, but today tested that love. And it brought back the many frustrations I have with the parents of these two kids. Yes they are difficult children as children go, but mom and dad have made something that’s a challenge into an insurmountable mountain. I realize that sometimes things that seem so very obvious to me are absolutely outer darkness to others, but still. At least I don’t have to spend a whole bunch of time with them. But I am dreading tomorrow. I once again must face the ranks and watch them and try and protect my son, but this time it will be longer. Fortunately Ben is going to take Gavin after he gets off work and get up with him through the night. I’m sure by Friday evening I will be spent. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t annoyed with other people right now. I go through these phases every so often, o.k. more often than not, where I just get sick of other peoples incessant whining. While I realize the only person reading this is my husband, who is thinking, ummm isn’t that you?!, I only whine to you dear, aren’t you lucky. I gossip with others of course, one of my big downfalls, but you are the special someone who gets to hear all my whiney and horrendous thoughts. Having one sided conversations over and over with everyone gets to be a bit much. And while most of the time I am glad to listen, it does get frustrating, especially when the moments arise that something needs to be done and the person chooses not to do it. And then continues to bemoan their situation. I may whine, but I do continually try to improve the situation that I’m whining about. And that is a big difference. And while I often fall far short of my goals, I continually get back up and try again. And yes I am failing in so many areas, but in the ones that matter the most…my marriage and son, I’m doing a bit better than average. And I’m proud of that. I continoually try to progress, even if it’s just a little bit I do try. I fear I may be getting a bit self righteous, but this feeling has a lot to do with recent family events, where I know I’m right and the other person(s) is wrong and my current attitude is the ensuing frustration over the whole thing. But the balancing act will come and things will be normal again. But it is nice to see a contrasting life style and realize that my choices are leading me somewhere and also somewhere pleasant and good and right and God approved. Even with all the great downfalls of my bad choices, overall I’m on the right track and going the right direction. I also get so frustrated with parents. I don’t understand why they don’t want to spend the time to get to know their child and do what the child needs. It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about being the adult, looking out for the child, forseeing their needs and fulfilling them. Regardless of what everyone else says or thinks, it’s about doing what is right for your child at that moment to create the adult you want them to become. It’s not always popular or easy, o.k. it’s rarely either of these, but the payoff is huge and so very important to your child’s well being. And our future society. And yes I realize that for some reason this is easier for me, I tend to sense the needs of each child I care for, this is not something that I alone possess. Any person dedicated to a child can have this same forsight. It is key to know the child though, and to listen, really listen to them. See what their actions and body language are telling you, hear what the whole story is telling you instead of getting lost in the inadequate language they possess, watch how they respond and interact with the situation and the others around them. Listen to what they are telling their toys, this is often the most enlightening experience. Children work out what’s going on inside of them through their play, and will interact and act out what they are feeling and needing with their toys. And most of all be there. Just simply be there. That’s what they need the most of, at all times. I am so gratefull that I have had the experiences I have that have led me to learn so much about children and I’m so gratefull to a husband who desires to learn and grow and be the adult.
For the ever loving Pete, will I ever get sleep again?! I’ve never been so exhausted. That’s it that’s all I have to say, too tired to say more.
So many things are going through my mind as of late. So many things are changing and going on as of late as well. Being a mom has been the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced, and that’s saying something. I want to give Gavin everything, I want him to grow to be so happy and secure and filled with love and doing that is much harder than I could have ever imagined. I never realized how much his crys would rip at my heart. How much his smile would change my world and everything in it. How much him recognizing me as his mother has meant to me. And that with only one child the emptyness inside me would be so fully fullfilled. That hole was so large and so empty for so many years and in one second he filled it fully and completely. Only I and God know exactly what I am talking about and it is a miracle. I’m beginning to feel the torn feelings of being a wife and mother to my boys. I wonder if I can keep up giving what is required. I have small tinges of resentment towards my husband when he wants or needs something of me. It’s not his fault I know and I can understand everything so very well on a rational mental level. But emotionally I can’t help but get a bit frustrated that I am doing so much more of the work and then he still has needs that only I can fullfill. I know that I stress way too much about the small stuff and that one of my biggest downfalls is that I try to do it all, but oh how I wish he would help me do it all instead of insisting on not doing anything when I’m in the thick of it. I feel a bit like I’m losing myself and while I’m glad to do it, it’s hard to see it happening. And to know that I’m not nearly as bad as most women I know, I just can’t imagine how they go on. I couldn’t stand to lose myself completely, to not have some shred of myself always there. I would never give over completely. I’m a mess, but it’s my mess. To go through all this and then have my immediate family acting like a bunch of children has been really hard. And I’m throwing in the towel. I give up, my parents will never change, they insist on living their lives in this horrible way and there is nothing I can do about it. And so eventually we will become estranged, unless by some miracle they die early. How sad is that, that I hope my parents die before our relationship deteriates to the point that we no longer see or talk to each other. It’s all I’m left with. You really can’t change anyone, unless they are willing. And they are most definately not willing. But I will not sacrifice my family in order to have such a toxic relationship with them. They either follow my rules or we no longer have a relationship. I have a duty to my son and husband to protect them and make their environment as healthy and loving as possible. And unfortunately that cannot be with my parents. They turn any situation into a toxic mess. I’ve worked too hard to overcome my learned tendencies from them, I’ve made too much progress to let them ruin everything and my dreams for my son. It’s harsh but they won’t listen. Well they’ll listen and then they do nothing, as usual. I couldn’t have been more plain, it was such a brutal honesty and nothing. They are still the same if not getting worse. How frustrating it must be to be Heavenly Father. To see his children do this kind of thing over and over again. And I’m sad to say that I am one of those children. I need to improve on so many levels. And I’m so scared to let spirituality back into my life. I’ve taken a beating and I’m just so bruised to trust myself anymore. I’ve misunderstood and misinterpruted so much over the last few years that I just don’t know what to think anymore. I’m on the edge and I know it. And I need to get back in the saddle and get a move on. But I’m finding myself procrastinating day after day, month after month. The spirit scares me, plain and simple. I’m afraid of what that door leads to. I’m afraid of feeling abandoned again. But for the sake of my precious and wonderful son I must go on. I must face my deepest fears and become close to my Lord once again. And support my family in doing the same.
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