I’m here and I thougth I wanted to write, but as I sit here, nothing is coming to mind. Well o.k. many things are coming to mind, I just don’t know if I want to blog them. My life is a revolving door of change. Sometimes that door gets spinning so fast that it’s a blur of what looks like an opening that is spitting life out at the speed of light. And then other times I get stuck and have to wait for the revolving door operator specialist to come and get me out, but first I have to admit I’m stuck and then I have to swallow my pride and then call the operator specialist (also known as Heavenly Father). I’ve been known to stay stuck for long periods of time. Overall I’m on the right path, I’m going the right way, I’ve got the right intentions. But behind me attached by a bungee cord, ready to spring me back to the revolving door to be stuck, are things I’m trying to out run, which can’t be out run. They have to be dealt with cord untangled and removed and then left to go wherever such things go. But what is the right way to deal with such things. I just can’t figure that one out. Of course there is an easy solution, but it is full of heartache and pain for others, so I’m trying to avoid that one. There is forgiveness which can be given, but then will need to be regiven and given again and again until death ends the cycle. Which is just tiring and painful. Because each time forgiveness is given hope is seeded and each time hope is dashed to pieces, I have to pick it up again. And I really don’t like housekeeping all that much. And then there is avoidance, which only partially works and is the status quo for now. But I’m getting sore from straddling that fence. And then the guilt, the ever present guilt. I have thoughts that are wrong and evil, but none the less true. It would be easier if death would come and take the other party away. If maybe there life span could just be a bit shorter than the current norm. And how evil are those thoughts, I feel such guilt every time they enter my brain. But enter they do, I can’t get them to go away. Now I must clarify, I don’t want to kill them or cause any harm, but they are older and honestly there health isn’t so great, so it’s not entirely out of the picture that death could be near or at least in the next few years. And by the removal of death, all the strain and struggle would be gone. The rest of us could go on without all the strain and pain. I could easily have a relationship with those I love so dearly without having to try and keep an impossible balance. From my perspective the only option is to continue to keep controls in place and deal with each situation as it comes up, at least the holidays are over for a while. This was all so much easier when I didn’t have a son to protect. I am so paranoid about him being subject to anything that even might resemble the verbal abuse I endured that I’ve taken it a bit too far. But so much better to take it a bit too far than to have even the smallest micron enter his existence. I’m being so cryptic, because I don’t want to see it all in black and white for anyone to read. For all to see and know the reall truth. But I can’t hold it in either, so stuck I am, darn door. And if I open up and see it all for what it is the intense anger and the evil question without an answer (Why?!) return to haunt me and keep me down. And I don’t want to be down anymore, I want to rise above, maybe with enough strain on that bungee it will snap. It’s so old now and cracked and full of wear, it has to snap, doesn’t it? Or are bonds built in childhood so strong that nothing breaks them, whether they are good or bad? My struggle for resolution continues and will until they are gone. Because they have no desire to resolve anything, or to face that anything needs resolved. And I know in my heart that if and/or when the time comes I will do what is necessary, whatever that is. Because I love my son too much to be weak here, to give in. Even thought I know that severing all ties would be such a relief and give me the peace I so dearly want, I cannot, because it would cause them so much pain. But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking…give me a reason, push me, let me let you go. Make it so I have to cut you out. But of course that doesn’t happen.
Being a mom is a huge roller coaster. One moment you are in awe of your baby and the next you wish someone would come and save you from this demon child. I was already so very attached to Gavin that I didn’t think finalizing his adoption and then being sealed to him and having the blessing would affect me so much. But it has. I love him deeper and more from that moment on. Maybe that’s just how it works, you have moments where your love deepens for your child. I also didn’t realize that I was still holding onto some anxiety about losing him, I suppose that’s a very normal thing for adoptions. Even though I knew that the only way to lose him would be if the state came to take him away because we weren’t fit parents and I knew that wouldn’t happen. But then I always had this small voice in the back of my mind telling me that they might because they could or some clerical error could send DCFS to my door to remove him. I suppose every mother has her worries, and adoption doesn’t change that, it just has a few specific worries to add into the equation. But he’s ours, forever and ever. I could be imagining things, but it seems to have changed Gavin too. It’s almost as if he understood on some level what was happening when we were sealed to him. Maybe even on deeper levels then we are capable with our jaded years of life. When he’s in a new environment he does get quite and check it out, but this was different. He was, well, reverent. Their are not words to describe the sealing, it was healing and beautiful and full of wise counsel. And Gavin’s blessing was wonderful. Everyone really enjoyed doing it on Saturday instead of on Sunday during church and his blessing was special and unique to him. It also confirmed a feeling I got a while ago that Gavin has a special and specific and important purpose in this life. The Lord has a plan for him and it will be done, it’s a bit overwhelming. I’m sure that I’m suppose to provide him with all that is available to him specifically spiritually, and while if I fail his life will carry on, I sense that it will be a great disappointment to Gavin and Heavenly Father. And I’m starting to get a glimpse of the bigger picture, that maybe all the stuff in my life has been to cultivate into this one part of my life to be able to be there for Gavin. To help him and nurture him and give him what he needs, specifically. I keep getting the sense that I have had the lessons I have in life so that I can help him. That he is going to need me to help him through some hard things, not avoid them, but help him get through it. I don’t fear so much for what hardships await me anymore, but I’m starting to fear for Gavin. I’m sure some of this is normal motherhood stuff, but then there is that "other" feeling, that a bigger picture is in place and in play. One that has brought us together specifically and for a purpose only Heavenly Father knows. I know that he was brought to me, not randomly, not by accident, but purposefully. That his path was put into place so he would be in my life. I sense how very special and important he is and that is awe inspiring and overwhelming. And then I have moments, like all parents do, and I wonder how can I glimpse his amazing spirit and then get mad at him for crying all night? I suppose this is the natural man part, the part that is hard to control and our purpose in this life, to prove we can overcome the natural man. He is so precious and wonderful to me. And I love him more than I ever knew was possible.
The world has to stop because MY BABY’S SICK and he needs me. And I feel horrible for him and am stressed as any mother of a sick child can tell you, but I am also so full of love and happiness…because my baby needs me and wants me. No one else will do, it has to be me, mom, mommy, mama. He is a very healthy child and this is the first time he’s really been sick, so this is my first experience with the where’s my mommy, have to be held and touch her, and her only, no one else will do syndrome. And it warms my heart, I have the power within my arms and with my kiss and soft sung song to heal him, to make him feel safe and secure, to make the suffering less. Behold the power of a mom! I’m experiencing these things for the first time in my life, not only because I’m a first time mom, but because my childhood lacked, well let’s just say it’s a first, for both of us. And I am in awe of the power of a loving mother, what it does for both of us is so amazing. I will always be there baby, I will always love you, I will always be ready to hold and comfort you and kiss it all better.
Weird title I know, but if you’ve ever seen the commercial, it’s a giggle. And that’s how I feel like a giggle. It’s been a good day so far. Partly because I’ve been scrubbing my house and parts of it, whole parts, are so clean you could lick them. Go ahead, nothing will happen, it’s just that clean. And then today I found a good doctor, something I haven’t run across much, he’s awesome. He listened and helped and had a great bedside manner, haven’t seen one of those in a doctor in recent memory. He’s one of those people who leaves you smiling, his nurses were cracking up in the hall outside of the exam room I was in, he exudes happiness and excitement. Just for being alive. I prayed that I could find a doctor that would work well for me and help me accomplish my goals, and I found one. Thanks Heavenly Father! And I’m finding happiness, that real happiness that dwells in the silly zone in my heart, the glass is over flowing happiness, did you hear the one about… happiness, me! The can’t control the goofyness happiness, can get stuff done. Which by the way is my job title…I get stuff done. Heard it on T.V. or a movie or something and I decided that’s my job title, description, manual. So I’m off to get stuff done.
Heavenly Father may know a thing or two and maybe that all powerfull thing is what it’s cracked up to be. To say the least I’ve had a very stressfull past few months, even year. And I’m making many changes, good ones, that are suppose to pay off and make the future all bright and shiny. But in the meantime of making these changes it has been hard, really, really hard. Somehow I’ve lost myself, and I’m finding her again. And while I do what I can, the pitifull amount that I can, I pray and I ask and I beg. And I get, freely, and more than I was expecting. Nothing world changing, except in my world. I can cope, I can deal, I can feel the silly, goofy, lovable person I am and not the weirdo, depressed person I’ve become. I can see the hope in the near future, that maybe I will be able to do all that must be done and it will be good. That in the meantime of waiting for results of all the work I’m doing, He will make up the difference, until I can go it on my own. Well maybe not on my own, but definately with much less crippling need. And somehow I can make it back to where I’m going, so that no more time will be wasted and regretted. And so that my precious little one can have everything I’ve ever dreamed for him. And maybe a dream or two of my own can happen and be appreciated. God IS Good.
Why are some days so very difficult? And why do those days always land on the same day that you have a ton to do? Is it karma, is it coincidence or is it the devil’s holiday in your life? I’ve done the horrible thing of getting frustrated with my 5 1/2 month old baby and I let him see it. As I’m frantically running around trying to get everything done I need to do today and wondering, well what if I just feed Gavin food and reserve the little formula I have left for a bottle tonight? Is that so bad, because I’m not really sure when I’m going to be able to get to the store tonight. But then again in this fast paced world, somewhere is always open with formula waiting to be bought and exhausted, bleary eyed mom’s lined up buying it at midnight. And I thought they weren’t suppose to eat so much until they were teenagers anyway. And shouldn’t the solids be filling him up longer than this? I fear Gavin’s teen years, can we lower the driving age to 12, so he can go to the store too? I forsee having to shop often and buy a whole bunch of food, and I get the strange feeling that leftovers will be a word we will forget in this household. Here’s some irony: I’m eating less and more healthy, Ben’s eating more and more healthy, and Gavin is putting us to shame with an empty stomach. Maybe he has four stomachs like a cow. I love him to death, and soon he will be master of his eating domain and I’m sure I’ll miss all the times we had together while I fed him. But the octupus battle of no mommy holds the spoon, no you can’t have the jar of food, oh no please don’t blow raspberries right after I put the disgusting mashed peas in your mouth, o.k. it is cute, but still, please don’t, yes you can help hold the spoon and get it into your mouth, but yes you actually have to open your mouth when you put the spoon to it. And no that tongue game you are playing isn’t as much fun for me as it is you. Yes, I will continue to make the weird sounds you find so hilarious and which prompt you to open wide. O.K. while writing this my stress level is decreasing and I’m starting to think I can make it through the day now. I’m still nervous about tonight, we are doing what’s called show and tell at the adoption class. We have to tell our adoption story and answer questions for the other prospective adoptive parents. It won’t be bad, I’m sure, it’s just nerve racking to talk to that group. And of course I have to get laundry done so we have something clean to wear and then Olivia is going to be here later than usual and so I’ve had to make plans for her to be watched by someone else for a bit. O.K. I’m doing it again, no more thinking of all there is to do, just go step by step. Oh and now I feel really bad, Olivia just fell asleep in the jumper, how adorable.
It happened during the night as I went through my monologue in my head as I lay in my bed waiting for sleep to take me. I had just read something that has always caused me to question and wonder at who God is. And then I feel the frustration and the guilt over having such unanswerable and unworship like thoughts. I couldn’t understand why God, being who I believe or who I want to believe Him to be would ever sit on a throne and let people worship him. Now over the years I realized that my idea of this scenario is probably not accurate and obviously I am missing quite a few pieces to this puzzle. So I filed it in the "Ask When I Die" folder and have let it be. But again the scripture makes me wonder and go through the cycle again. And then through my thought ramblings it came to me, I will fix this when I get to Heaven. And then I realized the point, it doesn’t end here. We can continue on in the next life. What we don’t get the chance or opportunity to do here, we can do there. Or what we miss the chance to do and greatly regret later wishing we had just one more moment to fix what is amiss, we may get there. And for me that is a great mercy. One that is bringing me great peace about many problems in my life. Ones that are unfixable in the here and now. This is also a bigger moment for another reason, I received inspiration, I received an answer, I heard the still small voice. It has been a long long time since that has happened or that I had the faith to believe. That thought has brought me great peace and more importantly great hope. I am not there yet, still so much more to go to get things aright again, but I believe I can. And that is something new. I’m still wary, and it will take time to trust so completely again, but at least now I know that I can and will.
Being a mommy is a very up and down roller coaster. One day you are on top of the world, getting everything done and then some. And the very next day you are struggling not to yell at your baby, and only wanting to brush your teeth, if only you could get that one thing done. And nothing is going the way it’s suppose to. I don’t get the drastic differences. Isn’t their some middle ground here? Lately the good days are becoming more frequent, which has really changed my outlook, but then every couple of days I have another one of "those" days, and I’m back to thinking that I’ve got myself in way over my head. Maybe in a few more months the good days will be more consistent. But definately not in the near future.
This weekend I’m going to try the transistion from bassinet to crib. Which entails moving my sweet, grumpy, beautiful, not sleeping through the night, often sleeps with me baby into another room. So that should be interesting. Who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and he’ll start sleeping through the night. But I’m most definately not counting on it.
So in other areas, I’ve been basically ignoring my mom. But she’s been ignoring me too. As far as I know, no one has heard from Chay yet, going on month 4. The 3rd year anniversary of Cal’s death just passed and I forgot it until a few days afterwords. I still haven’t emailed Michelle, which I feel guilty about, I’m just not sure what to say. And I’m struggling with a friendship that I’m just plain not sure how to proceed. I want to supportive, but it’s just not in my nature to be a by stander. And as much as she talks the talk of wanting advice and help, she definately doesn’t walk the walk. So I don’t know how to be a supportive listener and then do nothing, especially when I see solutions that would help alot. As usual an outsider can see the situation much clearer than the participants. They are so in the thick of it, they are starting to crumble under the stress. I want to help so much, but then get so frustrated because she doesn’t follow through. And it gets tiring to listen to her complaints day in and day out. But as usual I will plow on through full steam ahead and probably piss her off so much that in the end we no longer remain friends. But once again I could be wrong, who knows what the future holds. Getting balance in my life is so much more difficult these days. But every day I get a little better at it.
A random note in case anyone ever reads this, an exceptional book for childrearing is "Don’t Shoot The Dog", it’s written by animal trainers and what they learned about raising kids and discipline, etc. The theory basically is that you could shoot the dog to make it stop barking. And while that would be effective it’s not the best solution to the problem, it would be much much better to incentivise the dog to stop barking on his own. And that way the dog no longer barks inappropriately hardly ever because the reward for good behavior is so much more fulfilling then the reward for bad behavior. I’ve used the technigues from this book and it’s rather shocking how well they work and how quickly, I can’t recommend it enough.
So I’m just unsure right at the moment. I’m exhausted and should be fast asleep but the days horrors are still too fresh in my mind. I was watching my niece and nephew today and it was most challenging. It’s the first time I’ve had to protect Gavin from other children, and well it just sucked. I love these kids, but today tested that love. And it brought back the many frustrations I have with the parents of these two kids. Yes they are difficult children as children go, but mom and dad have made something that’s a challenge into an insurmountable mountain. I realize that sometimes things that seem so very obvious to me are absolutely outer darkness to others, but still. At least I don’t have to spend a whole bunch of time with them. But I am dreading tomorrow. I once again must face the ranks and watch them and try and protect my son, but this time it will be longer. Fortunately Ben is going to take Gavin after he gets off work and get up with him through the night. I’m sure by Friday evening I will be spent. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t annoyed with other people right now. I go through these phases every so often, o.k. more often than not, where I just get sick of other peoples incessant whining. While I realize the only person reading this is my husband, who is thinking, ummm isn’t that you?!, I only whine to you dear, aren’t you lucky. I gossip with others of course, one of my big downfalls, but you are the special someone who gets to hear all my whiney and horrendous thoughts. Having one sided conversations over and over with everyone gets to be a bit much. And while most of the time I am glad to listen, it does get frustrating, especially when the moments arise that something needs to be done and the person chooses not to do it. And then continues to bemoan their situation. I may whine, but I do continually try to improve the situation that I’m whining about. And that is a big difference. And while I often fall far short of my goals, I continually get back up and try again. And yes I am failing in so many areas, but in the ones that matter the most…my marriage and son, I’m doing a bit better than average. And I’m proud of that. I continoually try to progress, even if it’s just a little bit I do try. I fear I may be getting a bit self righteous, but this feeling has a lot to do with recent family events, where I know I’m right and the other person(s) is wrong and my current attitude is the ensuing frustration over the whole thing. But the balancing act will come and things will be normal again. But it is nice to see a contrasting life style and realize that my choices are leading me somewhere and also somewhere pleasant and good and right and God approved. Even with all the great downfalls of my bad choices, overall I’m on the right track and going the right direction. I also get so frustrated with parents. I don’t understand why they don’t want to spend the time to get to know their child and do what the child needs. It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about being the adult, looking out for the child, forseeing their needs and fulfilling them. Regardless of what everyone else says or thinks, it’s about doing what is right for your child at that moment to create the adult you want them to become. It’s not always popular or easy, o.k. it’s rarely either of these, but the payoff is huge and so very important to your child’s well being. And our future society. And yes I realize that for some reason this is easier for me, I tend to sense the needs of each child I care for, this is not something that I alone possess. Any person dedicated to a child can have this same forsight. It is key to know the child though, and to listen, really listen to them. See what their actions and body language are telling you, hear what the whole story is telling you instead of getting lost in the inadequate language they possess, watch how they respond and interact with the situation and the others around them. Listen to what they are telling their toys, this is often the most enlightening experience. Children work out what’s going on inside of them through their play, and will interact and act out what they are feeling and needing with their toys. And most of all be there. Just simply be there. That’s what they need the most of, at all times. I am so gratefull that I have had the experiences I have that have led me to learn so much about children and I’m so gratefull to a husband who desires to learn and grow and be the adult.
For the ever loving Pete, will I ever get sleep again?! I’ve never been so exhausted. That’s it that’s all I have to say, too tired to say more.
